Lifeless life

It's taking me more and more away from my destination. Every tick on the clock is drifting me away from what was supposed to be my destination. It was not only my destination, it was my dream destination. something that every girl wishes for and longs for her entire life and here I am ready to trash it away for my whims. What is painful for me in this entire process is seeing myself getting destroyed and the destruction affecting the person i loved. He is still ready to help me out from this rubble. I am 10 feet or more under the debris still breathing but through my alter ego. I just can't find the switch button. I wonder what made me switch in the first. the reason is unknown to me and I am not taking enough efforts to discover the reason because I am so deeply buried in it already that I find myself thinking about how I am going to live my life ahead with such a situation instead of trying to solve whatever mess has been created. i know I am not responsible for it and probably that is what is keeping me away from digging up everything. I have closed my tool house and there's no more digging up i want to do. I just want to put my new shoes on and start on a new journey but on the same road. I don;t even know if the itinerary of this journey is better. It is indeed colorful with flags and balloons but there are no flowers to make it come alive. i am heading to something very materialistic and I am trying to leave the animate things behind me so that I have no one to talk to or to answer to. My life ahead is going to be lifeless