Lifeless life

It's taking me more and more away from my destination. Every tick on the clock is drifting me away from what was supposed to be my destination. It was not only my destination, it was my dream destination. something that every girl wishes for and longs for her entire life and here I am ready to trash it away for my whims. What is painful for me in this entire process is seeing myself getting destroyed and the destruction affecting the person i loved. He is still ready to help me out from this rubble. I am 10 feet or more under the debris still breathing but through my alter ego. I just can't find the switch button. I wonder what made me switch in the first. the reason is unknown to me and I am not taking enough efforts to discover the reason because I am so deeply buried in it already that I find myself thinking about how I am going to live my life ahead with such a situation instead of trying to solve whatever mess has been created. i know I am not responsible for it and probably that is what is keeping me away from digging up everything. I have closed my tool house and there's no more digging up i want to do. I just want to put my new shoes on and start on a new journey but on the same road. I don;t even know if the itinerary of this journey is better. It is indeed colorful with flags and balloons but there are no flowers to make it come alive. i am heading to something very materialistic and I am trying to leave the animate things behind me so that I have no one to talk to or to answer to. My life ahead is going to be lifeless

love....

Love is such a beautiful thing to write about and that's why when you read about it or see the implementation through movies, you get mesmerized and carried away by it. you want to fall in love to experience what you think has been experienced by the writer. This comes to me as a wake up call because I write a lot and wrote about love when i was not in love really! It was an absolutely fictional work of my functional mind. so, when i realised I was in love, I stopped writing about it; as ironic as it may sound. I stopped imagining all the good things cos' I was facing the reality and it didn;t look good. And now suddenly I do not love the person I thought was the love of my life. the person who I knew i will marry. I am actually trying to feel for him by watching movies that made me want to fall in love but that's not really helping. is that a clear signal for me to bail out? To let the love of my life suffer just because i stopped loving him all of a sudden? i thought it must be a phase and that it will pass but it has been over a month now and the feeling refuses to leave my mind, my heart. it stuck on to it like a velcro and if i try to pull it out it will make a lot of noise and that wil not lead to anything. i am confessing here that i don't love my baby anymore, does that make me a bad, horrible person? i have never felt like this before! i have never suddenly stopped loving a person i have loved by default. that's an impossible emotion for my brain to capture and yet it did! that's crazy thinking my heart syas. It's asking me to wait until 9th November and i shal wait til then.